Friday, May 31, 2013

my loving mother and a lifetime of memories

Mortality.... a word that to some may strike a sort of terror when thinking about it.  Whether we think about our own or those of our loved ones.  It is in those instances when the possibility of losing a loved one sharpens your focus on what is really important.  My mother brought that into focus for me when she told us she had cancer. It was in that moment of silence after her announcement that I realized that material things didn't really matter anymore.  If she died, nothing I owned would bring her back. What is the point of all of this?  What is the point of spending hours at work and trying to have a good life?  Well,  I found out that it is the memories.  If I lost my mother I would have memories of our time together.

I would have memories of her smiling face, the wonder in her eyes, the softness of her hands. The warmth of her hugs.  The soothing balm to my heart when she would say that pain and heartache would pass.  Memories of her playing in the snow.  Her rapt attention to the horror movies she so loves.  The deliciousness of her cooking, that no matter how exactly I follow her recipes,  my cooking will never be as delicious as hers, it will always fail in comparison.

She is my hero, my strength, the perfection I aspire to.  I wonder if I've made her proud and I can't help but wonder if she would even tell me if I haven't.  That's who she is. My mother the warrior who would fight tooth and nail for me. My mother who has always believed in me. My mother who has always had a soft heart, wise words and endless supply of patience and love. My mother, the one who knows all my secrets even when she doesn't hear them. My mother who knows from my cheerful "Hello" that there is something wrong with me.  My mother to whom I will never be able to repay all that she has given me. My mother ever hopeful that things will work out ok in the end.

She is better now.

But still... in the back of my mind... there is the thought that she will be gone one day... I'm lucky to have a second chance to tell her. To show her how much I love her.  To continue creating memories of her that will have to sustain me when we can no longer create anymore... in the end, they will have to be enough.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Fortune Cookies...

So today has been an extremely stressful day as it usually is when returning from a long weekend. Had to work today, which is usually fine unless I feel like a zombie for not sleeping. As I'm going through my bag trying to find something edible, I happen to find a fortune cookie from I don't remember when.

When  I open it, I had no expectation on what it was going to say.  To me it didn't really matter, I just wanted to eat the cookie.  The fortune said "You are an extremely generous and always thinking of others."  I felt like a fraud.

No, really, I did.  Why? Because I don't think of myself that way.  If I help someone I don't quantify it.  I don't think that doing this favor may lead to having the other person "owe me one".   To me, if they need help and its within my means, why wouldn't I?

Yes, I know what you are going to say, and believe me I've heard it from my friends and family a million times. According to my mother people tend to see my "cara de BUENA gente".  Where she is actually saying that I'm a "sucker" or very gullible and/or naive when it comes to people. Believe me, that is the soft translation. Now, though eight out of ten times my parents say that someone is using me, they are right, there are still those two people that genuinely needed the help.  Should I become a suspicious person that doesn't believe that people are inherently good and sincere? Should I start wondering if when I receive a call from a long lost friend, it is not in fact to borrow $500 dollars, but just to see how I'm doing?

It is hard not be skeptical when your family keeps telling you that people out there are trying to take advantage of you, but it is also very exhausting to hold something back of myself when meeting people and talking with them.  I would rather concentrate on the moment instead of what may happen.  Isn't there a saying about "innocent until proven guilty"?

Although my family and friends do have a point and I concede to the fact that they are trying to protect me, i will still give people the benefit of the doubt. Who knows I might need someone to give me the benefit of the doubt when I call them out of the blue just to say hi.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Pensamientos de madrugada

Un hogar en la tormenta del tiempo...
escrito por Rosa V. Sanchez

Me perdi en el sonido de tus labios.
me accurruque en el calor de tu pecho y
sin pensarlo mas estaba en casa.

Mi cobijo en los dias llenos de problemas,
mis momentos de alegria en los dias tristes,
instantes repletos de ti.

Tus palabras de aliento,
tu certeza de que lo puedo todo,
lo se todo,
lo perdono todo.

el hecho de que estas aqui, conmigo
el hecho de que estoy aqui, contigo
sin mas palabras,
sin mas hechos,
solo aqui, en este momento
juntos, un hogar en la tormenta del tiempo.