my loving mother and a lifetime of memories

Mortality.... a word that to some may strike a sort of terror when thinking about it.  Whether we think about our own or those of our loved ones.  It is in those instances when the possibility of losing a loved one sharpens your focus on what is really important.  My mother brought that into focus for me when she told us she had cancer. It was in that moment of silence after her announcement that I realized that material things didn't really matter anymore.  If she died, nothing I owned would bring her back. What is the point of all of this?  What is the point of spending hours at work and trying to have a good life?  Well,  I found out that it is the memories.  If I lost my mother I would have memories of our time together.

I would have memories of her smiling face, the wonder in her eyes, the softness of her hands. The warmth of her hugs.  The soothing balm to my heart when she would say that pain and heartache would pass.  Memories of her playing in the snow.  Her rapt attention to the horror movies she so loves.  The deliciousness of her cooking, that no matter how exactly I follow her recipes,  my cooking will never be as delicious as hers, it will always fail in comparison.

She is my hero, my strength, the perfection I aspire to.  I wonder if I've made her proud and I can't help but wonder if she would even tell me if I haven't.  That's who she is. My mother the warrior who would fight tooth and nail for me. My mother who has always believed in me. My mother who has always had a soft heart, wise words and endless supply of patience and love. My mother, the one who knows all my secrets even when she doesn't hear them. My mother who knows from my cheerful "Hello" that there is something wrong with me.  My mother to whom I will never be able to repay all that she has given me. My mother ever hopeful that things will work out ok in the end.

She is better now.

But still... in the back of my mind... there is the thought that she will be gone one day... I'm lucky to have a second chance to tell her. To show her how much I love her.  To continue creating memories of her that will have to sustain me when we can no longer create anymore... in the end, they will have to be enough.

Fortune Cookies...

So today has been an extremely stressful day as it usually is when returning from a long weekend. Had to work today, which is usually fine unless I feel like a zombie for not sleeping. As I'm going through my bag trying to find something edible, I happen to find a fortune cookie from I don't remember when.

When  I open it, I had no expectation on what it was going to say.  To me it didn't really matter, I just wanted to eat the cookie.  The fortune said "You are an extremely generous and always thinking of others."  I felt like a fraud.

No, really, I did.  Why? Because I don't think of myself that way.  If I help someone I don't quantify it.  I don't think that doing this favor may lead to having the other person "owe me one".   To me, if they need help and its within my means, why wouldn't I?

Yes, I know what you are going to say, and believe me I've heard it from my friends and family a million times. According to my mother people tend to see my "cara de BUENA gente".  Where she is actually saying that I'm a "sucker" or very gullible and/or naive when it comes to people. Believe me, that is the soft translation. Now, though eight out of ten times my parents say that someone is using me, they are right, there are still those two people that genuinely needed the help.  Should I become a suspicious person that doesn't believe that people are inherently good and sincere? Should I start wondering if when I receive a call from a long lost friend, it is not in fact to borrow $500 dollars, but just to see how I'm doing?

It is hard not be skeptical when your family keeps telling you that people out there are trying to take advantage of you, but it is also very exhausting to hold something back of myself when meeting people and talking with them.  I would rather concentrate on the moment instead of what may happen.  Isn't there a saying about "innocent until proven guilty"?

Although my family and friends do have a point and I concede to the fact that they are trying to protect me, i will still give people the benefit of the doubt. Who knows I might need someone to give me the benefit of the doubt when I call them out of the blue just to say hi.

Pensamientos de madrugada

Un hogar en la tormenta del tiempo...
escrito por Rosa V. Sanchez

Me perdi en el sonido de tus labios.
me accurruque en el calor de tu pecho y
sin pensarlo mas estaba en casa.

Mi cobijo en los dias llenos de problemas,
mis momentos de alegria en los dias tristes,
instantes repletos de ti.

Tus palabras de aliento,
tu certeza de que lo puedo todo,
lo se todo,
lo perdono todo.

el hecho de que estas aqui, conmigo
el hecho de que estoy aqui, contigo
sin mas palabras,
sin mas hechos,
solo aqui, en este momento
juntos, un hogar en la tormenta del tiempo.

Thoughts about shoes... mine in particular

Click, clack, click, clack... the sound of my shoes against the floor. The sound momentarily muffled as I walk over the carpet.  The sound of my steps announcing my approach to anyone within hearing distance.  The shy girl in me cringes at the thought that I am calling attention to myself and all but wished that she could tip-toe her way to her office, and yet I don't. My back is straight, my head held high, my eyes moving and acknowledging the people I pass by.  I mentally take stock of myself to make sure that I present the proper image that I want to portray.  Confident, professional , approachable with purpose.

When I was young I never understood my girlfriends love for shoes.  Honestly, if I had to choose between a shoe and a book, the book would always win.  Actually, now that I think about it, most anything would lose against the choice of buying a book.  It took me years to figure out that the shoes I wear and the clothes I wear actually do make me feel better. Well, maybe not better, but definitely different. Today I dressed in tight black comfortable jeans, a light and floaty colorful tank top with little stones in the collar area, hair tied in a bun, and one inch high black pumps, and just a little bit of colored lip balm. A simple outfit and yet I feel sexy and comfortable.  Why is this?  Today is no different than other days and yet I feel I'm sitting a little bit more straight in my chair.  I speak with much more assurance and conviction.  I feel like I have all the answer and my insecurities seem to diminish.  Who is this creature and why can't I be her all the time?

I guess I will have to continue to pay attention how I feel with what I wear, maybe in the long run it will help me to better understand myself.

Pre-Christmas thought and feelings of thanks

Wow, can you believe it’s Christmas?  I am amazed at how fast time seems to pass.  This holiday brings out a lot of memories of spending time in Mexico with my family and celebrating the posadas.  I remember going to my Aunts house when I was a child and celebrating the holidays with ponche, tamales, piñatas and villancicos.  Now that I am older and making my own home I am thankful for many things in my life.

First and foremost I am thankful that for my parents. I am blessed that my mom is doing well and that no more cancer has shown on her medical tests; that my dad is healthy and that both of them love me very much.
I am thankful for my brothers and my sister because I know that they will always have my back and be more than willing to protect me and make laugh.
I am thankful for a wonderfully kind sister-in-law who enjoys life and has shown me that family will always be more important than anything.
I am thankful to my little nephews who make me see things in their innocent ways and rediscovered a lot of things that I forgot how to see as I got older.

I am thankful to my baby niece because seeing her smile makes my heart joyful and full of hope.
I am thankful to all my friends those close by and those far away.  Because no matter how long it’s been since we've seen each other, our friendship remains and when we do talk, it’s like no time has passed, and we pick up right where we left off.

There is one person for whom I am more than thankful.  He has shared his life with me these past three years. He believes in me and he loves the person that I am, for who I am, even when I am not at my best.  He understands my obsession with books and movies. He enjoys my cooking.  He is proud of my accomplishments and knowledge, and is not intimidated by them.  He pushes me to continue growing and to become better at everything that I set out to do. He takes care of me. He pampers me. He protects me.  He makes me smile and gives me a tissue when I start crying at the movies.  I love him and am blessed to have him be a part of my life.

I am thankful that I am healthy, that I have a roof over my head, food on my table and happiness in my heart.

What more could a girl want?

Merry Christmas.

Hopes and Dreams

I recently turned 33 and as I looked through my documents while cleaning my computer, I found this list that I still find important on how I live my life.  It is as true now as when I first wrote it. 

Hopes and Dreams

I know that I might never reach all my goals and dreams as I hope I will, but I hope that I have the courage to enjoy working towards them.

I hope that I have the strength to get up and keep walking after every time I fall, which I know will happen.

I hope that I have the strength and patience to forgive and keep believing in people even when those I trust and love let me down and hurt me.

I hope I don't become so proud that I can't say I am sorry and admit when something is my fault, or when I am wrong.

I hope I have the courage to ask the questions I should and the strength to hear the answers I might not want to hear.

I hope I never lose the wonder of learning and the joy of fun, ice cream, cartoons, being in love and being loved.

And above all, when I die and God asks me what was the thing that I liked the most about my life, I hope that I can honestly still say  "LIVING"

--Rosa Sanchez

World War Z and surviving a Zombie attack

Well, my brother lend me the book World War Z by Max Brook.  He thought I would enjoy it since I love reading Laurel K. Hamilton books. Now, I am not necesarily a fan of the zombie type stories and for the most part avoid books or movies (ahem... Resident Evil series, Night of the living dead) that use this theme. I have seen a lot of the movies, but then again my mom is a fan of the horror genre of movies and I wasn't about to say no to her if she wanted me to see them with her, but that is another story.

Anyway, my brother doesn't read as much as I do and he is much more selective about the type of books he reads.  He was right, I really liked the book. Although the story was very sad specially since it is told as fictional oral account of the war against the zombies.  The survivors that willingly tell their stories and experiences during the war is done very matter of fact and at times with a lot of emotion.  The author manages to cover stories from all different aspects of the War. He interviews people in countries all over the world. They are doctors, military men and women, politicians, religious leaders and regular people who managed to survive in different ways.


I must admit that there are times when I was so involved in the story that I wanted to punch the leaders of some of the countries for their egotistical stupidity and some others I hope we have in real life specially if a situation like that ever arose.

It is a fun read and it made me think if i could survive a Zombie attack... I am not sure I would. Would you survive?