Friday, May 31, 2013

my loving mother and a lifetime of memories

Mortality.... a word that to some may strike a sort of terror when thinking about it.  Whether we think about our own or those of our loved ones.  It is in those instances when the possibility of losing a loved one sharpens your focus on what is really important.  My mother brought that into focus for me when she told us she had cancer. It was in that moment of silence after her announcement that I realized that material things didn't really matter anymore.  If she died, nothing I owned would bring her back. What is the point of all of this?  What is the point of spending hours at work and trying to have a good life?  Well,  I found out that it is the memories.  If I lost my mother I would have memories of our time together.

I would have memories of her smiling face, the wonder in her eyes, the softness of her hands. The warmth of her hugs.  The soothing balm to my heart when she would say that pain and heartache would pass.  Memories of her playing in the snow.  Her rapt attention to the horror movies she so loves.  The deliciousness of her cooking, that no matter how exactly I follow her recipes,  my cooking will never be as delicious as hers, it will always fail in comparison.

She is my hero, my strength, the perfection I aspire to.  I wonder if I've made her proud and I can't help but wonder if she would even tell me if I haven't.  That's who she is. My mother the warrior who would fight tooth and nail for me. My mother who has always believed in me. My mother who has always had a soft heart, wise words and endless supply of patience and love. My mother, the one who knows all my secrets even when she doesn't hear them. My mother who knows from my cheerful "Hello" that there is something wrong with me.  My mother to whom I will never be able to repay all that she has given me. My mother ever hopeful that things will work out ok in the end.

She is better now.

But still... in the back of my mind... there is the thought that she will be gone one day... I'm lucky to have a second chance to tell her. To show her how much I love her.  To continue creating memories of her that will have to sustain me when we can no longer create anymore... in the end, they will have to be enough.

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